It’s official: you’re a bona fide homeowner!

After months looking at Las Vegas houses for sale, you finally found one that’s right for you: just close enough to casinos to enjoy the dazzling neon lights, but far enough away that you can’t hear the clanging slot machines at 3 AM. There’s just one problem: the place is empty.

Just when you thought your bank account was safe, now it’s time to go furniture shopping. Don’t even try inviting people over until you have these essential, um, essentials:

The Sofa

Hey you. Yeah, you. Nice butt. Is it okay to say that? I mean, unless you suffered a horrible de-butting accident, we all have one. And if you have a butt, you need somewhere to put it.

Now, some will suggest a chair for these kinds of things. While I’ve tried to see both sides in the contentious Chair Vs. Sofa political debate, I think logic ultimately dictates the latter is superior. First, it provides more space; even a mere loveseat is quite literally twice the seat a chair could ever hope to be. Second, a sofa serves a key role as the centerpiece of your living room, the thing that turns it from four walls and some empty space into a cozy relaxation spot.

Finally, and most importantly, sofas have one key advantage: you can lay down on them, too. Take that, chairs!

The Coffee Table

Without coffee tables, we wouldn’t have coffee table books. Then the entire publishing industry would collapse. That’s not good. Buy a coffee table. You know you want one.

If you followed my advice above, you’ve already gotten a spiffy new sofa for the living room. Sitting on it feels great except… where do you put your phone? Or the pizza box? Or the Xbox controller? Where do your pals put their feet up when they come over even though you asked them politely not to do that because it leaves scuff marks? These reasons and more are why you absolutely need a coffee table.

Believe it or not, you can even serve coffee on it. As long as it’s, you know, in a cup. The coffee, not the table.

The Dining Room Table

“I already have a coffee table, why do I need a dining room table?” you ask. “Tables, tables, tables. When will the table buying end?”

Calm down, drama queen. We’re talking two tables here, not a subscription to the Table-of-the-Month Club mail-order service. Maybe you eat your leftovers and takeout on the coffee table while the “Gas Crisis” episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia plays out in front of you for the 947th time, but if you have a family, you really should have a dining room table. Even if you don’t, it’s a good place to host get-togethers with friends and serve holiday dinners.

I take back what I said about chairs earlier though. You’re going to need them here. That, or you’ll have to buy at least four more sofas.

The Bed

Where else are you going to sleep? The floor? The couch? C’mon, don’t do that. It’ll wreak havoc on your back. I know from experience; my spine still won’t forgive me.

When shopping for a bed, there are some important things to consider. How many people will be sleeping in it? Do you have a partner to share it with? Do you prefer a soft mattress or a firm one? Will people make fun of you if you put Star Wars sheets on it? Will you need a box spring too or are you going to be one of “those people” who put their mattress right on the floor (protip: don’t be one of those people)? Most importantly, can you haggle the seller down to a reasonable price?

Another protip: as tempting as it is, don’t buy the bedframe that shaped like a sports car. It may look cool, but it gets terrible gas mileage.

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